Diet soda causes weight gain?!

What do you think? Does drinking diet soda cause you to gain weight or not?

Too much diet soda?

This is an old story; the media has summarized some studies done several years back concluding what many of you might fear—something with no calories can make you gain weight. But a look behind the sensationalized headlines showed something else.

Yes, there was a link; more people who drank diet sodas were higher weight. But did drinking diet soda causeit? And were you able to take in this correct conclusion and hold on to it, or do you still fear diet soda?

Oh, this is dangerous. I am notadvocating for diet soda consumption! There’s no nutritional merit—no calories, no vitamins or minerals—and it may even have some negative effects. Namely, it may mask your hunger, making it more difficult to trust your need to eat. And large intakes of colas—regardless of type—may pose other consequences such as impacting your bone density. 

But really my intent was not to discuss diet soda. Rather, I’m highlighting this example to prove a couple of points.

Causation vs. correlation

Wasting way too much time on Facebook the other day, a post by a local, experienced dietitian caught my attention: 

“Very interesting research about vitamin D's potential for significantly slowing MS. Adds to the body of research linking higher vitamin D levels with reduced risk for MS.”

The comment was, on the one hand, harmless enough. The dietitian was referencing a recent article—just an abstract, really— presented at a recent medical conference. The abstract summarized the study findings fairly, stating that average, baseline blood levels of vitamin D link with disease symptoms and severity. Those with a lower average level of vitamin D at the start of the study had a worse disease outcome than those that started with higher blood levels.

This may seem subtle to you, but it’s not to me. The RD’s comment about the “potential for vit D to significantly slow MS” is not, in fact, what the article stated. It merely showed a connection, a correlation. Perhaps there’s something about people with MS that utilizes more vit D when there’s more active disease. Or maybe low levels are simply a marker for more disease activity. 

Nowhere did the study state that supplementing with vit D improved the prognosis. I don’t tend to look at the half empty, but I simply didn’t see the hope for vit D’s potential, at least not in this study.

Maybe it’s splitting hairs. I mean she did, in fact, refer to this as a link. But what troubles me—along with the image on the post showing supplements, is what’s implied and therefore what we end up believing. No, vit D supplements have not been shown to reverse or improve the health of those living with MS. But wouldn’t we all like to believe that a magic pill could do that for us—for our MS, for our cancer, for our anorexia, for our weight struggles?

But besides the false hope, there’s the issue of our getting sucked into believing that correlatedequals caused. No, diet soda doesn’t cause obesity. But those living with obesity may be more likely to select diet beverages than those who are average weight.

Similarly, maybe you gained a lot of weight when you moved from a gluten free to a regular diet. That doesn’t mean that non gluten free diets cause weight gain. Rather, it may be that while being mindful of your intake—like you do on any diet—you may have seen a weight shift—but not because of what the diet was. But then when you regain the weight, you cling to the belief that the gluten free (or carb free, or fat free or whatever diet) was the reason for your weight loss, and therefore subsequent regain. The regain may have been about overeating following deprivation from denying yourself foods you enjoyed—and not a result of some magic involved with the ingredients you omitted.

Unfortunately, misinformation sticks. And trying to scream and shout that information is wrong only solidifies it as fact.  Misinformation can be dangerous, keeping us stuck in our ways, and preventing us from trusting ourselves. And conflicting info in the media confuses us and leads us believing that nothing we do makes a difference.

So instead, I ask you to question what you read. And challenge educated individuals in the health field about the articles and flashy news snips.

Focus on the facts, and work with your team for concrete ways to counter your unhealthy thinking. I hope this blog helps to set you on a healthy path!

The difference between you and me.

“How presumptuous”, you must be thinking, “to group all of your readers into one lump sum, overgeneralizing between us and you.”

Well, unless you are a member of my exclusive club, the one-in-750-in-the-US-living-with-Multiple Sclerosis, then I think you'll agree. As I'm sitting here awaiting the chemotherapy treatment to infuse into my veins, I'm painfully aware that I live with a chronic disease, a potentially debilitating one at that. But for now, I'm fortunately unaffected by this progressive neurological condition. 

Perhaps, like you, I'm on borrowed time. Borrowed time? Yes, because neither of us can predict just when the impact our conditions will hit us the worst. Or when the damage from our situation will lead to a fatal consequence.

A depressing shift in perspective from me? Not really. In fact, my intent is to show you just how fortunate you are. And to demonstrate that change is, in fact, in your hands.

I live with a healthy dose of denial. (Ok, so we really may not be all too different from each other.) That said, my denial allows me not to dwell on the ‘what ifs’. What if my condition progresses? What if a symptom hits me suddenly, like temporary blindness or double vision, my presenting symptom? And what if I become unable to work? Or walk? Or cycle and hike? Or leaves me unable to be present and functional? 

In spite of my denial, which I find quite beneficial, I am not denying my need for treatment. The stats are quite unimpressive—treatments don't cure MS, just like meds don't cure an eating disorder. But they might prevent my situation from progressing. Or they might not. MS is an unpredictable disease. And boy do I dislike uncertainty. But doing nothing ensures that nothing good can happen. 

Hmm, maybe I ought to change the title of this post to read "What you and I have in common"?

But here's where we differ. Besides the fact that you might be living with an eating disorder—bulimia, anorexia, binge eating disorder—or you might feel ruled by your rules (compelling you to deny yourself enough food or the pleasure of food)—the differences between us are vast.

Here's the biggest: You can do something to reverse your eating disorder or your disordered eating. You can use the tools of CBT or DBT or FBT to move you along. You can potentially utilize your resources—your friends, your family, a higher level of care, if needed. No, it won't be easy and it's not a quick fix. But these are strategies that can turn your condition around.

You can decide it's time to move on, to prevent your rules from ruling you, and eat enough to nourish your brain to soften those unhealthy voices. You can remove the triggers which result in purging and learn to move on after a slip from less than perfect eating and disordered behavior.

There's evidence that people recover, fully recover, from bulimia, binge eating disorder and anorexia, and that normal eating is a real possibility. Yes, you can take an active role in reversing your condition and prevent your eating disorder or disordered eating from robbing you of the life you so deserve.

I have no such option. Sure, I can choose to focus on the positives from living with such a condition as MS, but let's be real. Living constantly aware that any part of my brain or nerve pathway can be damaged and stop working is hardly something to see the positives in. 

In fairness, living with MS has had its benefits. It has made me much more sensitive to the fact that many individuals who look just fine—and act fine, even—may be harboring a condition that zaps them of their energy and steals their ability to life a full life. Living with MS reminds me that I can never look at someone and assume that they are just fine, when they may be living with a disability like MS or an eating disorder or disordered thoughts. Or depression. Or OCD…

Like those of you living with an eating disorder, we share a genetic predisposition to have the diseases we have—and we are not to blame! And our conditions might have been triggered by something in the environment. Stressing about it may only worsen our fate—high stress and anxiety—while not the cause of either of our conditions—may be obstacles to recovery and wellbeing. 

Based on statistics, I'd have mentally checked out of treatment, believing that chronic disability was my fate. But it's not. Not for me and not for you. 

You can live with some denial to get you through the days, but you still need to take your medicine—your food, your nourishment. And we need to put one food in front of the other and follow the recommendations of those in the know—our treatment team members—for without that commitment we fulfill a self-fulfilling prophecy that recovery can't happen. A positive outlook, and the belief that we can beat the statistics is essential to moving forward and making the most of what we’ve been dealt.

Personally, I cannot simply eat or take a medication to cure my MS. But you can certainly do just that. You can help your brain function fully, by eating enough, all the while improving your quality of life.

You can shift your thinking and ultimately your actions, and make change happen. I am at the mercy of MS research to be successful and find a cure for Multiple Sclerosis.

Neither of us is at fault for our conditions. But you are at fault if you take a back-seat approach to management of your eating disorder. Passively showing up for appointments fails to support recovery and well-being. Yet acting to change your course makes all the difference.

So as you move through the day, ask yourself if you are changing what's in your hands to change to move toward recovery. And if you answer no, then it's time to make a plan for moving forward. Not on Monday, nor on January first, but today.

I'm feeling disconnected and groggy right now. The Benadryl pretreatment has hit with a bang. I know no hunger, for now, and my thinking is compromised. My heart rate is slower than usual, and I have little control over much of anything—thank goodness for spellcheck. I'd be at risk if I dared to check out of here and attempt to drive my car or to exercise. I am compromised. Right now, you and I are truly quite similar. But my state is transitive. Yours can go either way, depending upon your actions.

Do not have pity for me, for I am fortunate enough to function 100% and I am living my life to the fullest. Have compassion for yourself, and may this post inspire you to get your butt in gear and turn your situation around.

Thinking It's All Your Fault?

That’s what they’re thinking, isn’t it? And likely you believe it too. Whether you’re fat or thin, healthy or unhealthy, fit or not, we need to place blame. It’s too hard for us to accept what’s not in our hands to control. We blame your weight on your eating and your diseases—even when there may be no link; we unfairly blame the parents for their child’s eating disorder; and we yearn to believe that it was your actions that caused your disease. Here are just a few examples of this I’ve recently encountered:

• "You’re too fat and of course you must eat poorly. And you’re lazy, too. Shouldn’t you be moving that 350 plus pound body around better—faster, longer, more gracefully? Your knee problems, your reflux, your high blood pressure—they’re all caused by you, don’t you think?" It doesn’t matter that you were an overweight baby and a chunky child—cute then, but not for the adult you. No, it bothers us to see people outside the “perfect” range. 
• The first question they ask is “Was he a smoker?” And the answer is no. Not a smoker nor a drinker yet my father died from primary lung cancer which spread to his liver. And no, there were not even asbestos or environmental factors. And my relative’s recent diagnosis of stomach cancer—rarely seen in the US but common in Japan—where they tend to be slimmer, I might add—was not caused by her weight nor her diet—those pickled, fermented and smoked foods associated with this cancer are not in her repertoire of foods regularly consumed.
• I was sent many an internet, urban legend article on diet soda and multiple sclerosis after my diagnosis of MS. They were well-intentioned senders. They just wanted to find the answer, to find a cure. Never mind that the best research facilities still don’t have a cure, and that I can count on one finger how often I drank a diet beverage over the past months. But they thought they were being helpful. Wouldn’t it be great if I had caused my MS, and then I can equally easily undo it?
• It’s the families, isn’t it? You know, that cause the anorexia? Wasn’t her mother always dieting? What about the home environment? Didn’t her sister also have an eating disorder?

Randomness is difficult to accept. If there’s no cause and effect, it means we can’t do anything to protect ourselves from all the bad things that may befall us. It means we have no control over the future of our health, of our survival, and of the risk to those that we care about. It leaves us feeling way too vulnerable.

We want to place blame. If her cancer was caused by her weight or her gastric bypass surgery, then it won’t happen to me. If his cancer was due to smoking or asbestos, then I am safe. Cut out the diet sodas and I’ll be free from risk of neurological disorders. If mothers cause anorexia, then I can change how I parent and prevent my child from getting it.

If only life were this simple. An eating disorder is complex, and can’t easily be caused from environmental influences. It likely involves a genetic predisposition, some triggering event, and environmental support to maintain it. Yet that doesn’t mean that parents are helpless. They may help prevent an eating disorder in a high risk individual by keeping eating on track and preventing the dieting that all too often results in an eating disorder. And they can certainly actively support their child’s recovery!

My MS and the ALS of a dear relative will not be cured with nutrition or weight change. But we can take control of our stress and maintain the health of the functioning bodies we do have. We can eat well to feel well—and yes, that includes cupcakes in addition to whole grains!

As for the myth that your weight is responsible for all evils? Reread this old post!

All hope is not lost. Even conditions we didn’t cause, we have a role in repairing. Yes, even the cancer. Getting the best treatment team and following the recommendations of your medical team is key. Reducing stress and keeping a positive attitude are critical remedies as well.

So when the conversation goes down that path of placing blame, politely educate the naïve inquisitor. And when you’re thinking it’s all your fault, think again.

On my list of "to dos"!

But don’t free yourself from the responsibility of taking action, of taking control of your health in all the ways that you can. And whether you have a terminal illness or a progressive condition or are 100% healthy, start living like you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Because the truth is—you don’t. 

Thanks for reading. As always, I’d love you to share this if you liked it. Now there’s some action you can take!

Lessons from the Ride: Tales of Intuitive Eating, Anxiety and Mindlessness.

Tell me this isn't great?

Let me preface this post by saying that I’m no exercise fanatic. I like to work out—it makes me feel good—but if I don’t get the chance to, I’m not bent out of shape.  I’ve never been much of an athlete. No need for tears, but in elementary school I recall being one of the last ones chosen for teams. I’m over it now, though, really. It was not until my diagnosis of MS, Multiple Sclerosis that I began to regularly bike ride although I’d done my share of hiking. This past weekend marks my 10-year anniversary riding this 2-day fundraising ride, a total of 156 miles from Boston, Massachusetts to the tip of Cape Cod—Provincetown.

During the ride thoughts of blogging never entered my mind. But afterwards, I was struck by several observations that I just had to share.

Intuitive eating? Not quite

As you’re well aware, I’m a big advocate of intuitive eating. But the truth is, intuitive doesn’t always work. Case in point: I’d ridden 15 miles to the first rest stop, soaking wet from the rain, with an elevated heart rate. Was I hungry? Not at all. Did I need to eat? Perhaps. By the next rest stop, now more than a couple of hours from the start of the ride, I still wasn’t hungry. Perhaps it’s because of the volume of fluid I was drinking in an effort to stay well hydrated. Perhaps it was the adrenaline driving me, revving me forward, preventing me from being aware of my body’s need for fuel.

Just arrived at the lunch stop

Nonetheless, intellectually I knew I needed to eat. I knew that my body was using up energy and needed replenishing. And so I made myself eat. I had little interest in the sports bars nor in the cookies at the rest stops, but I ate them. And they successfully fueled me until the lunch stop just an hour later. Then I fed myself a sandwich and multiple bags of chips, along with assorted other snacks. Oh, and more Gatorade.

This is how it went for each of the two days. There were times I did get hungry—generally after I had cooled off and my heart rate had dropped. But for the most part, I had to just do it, to simply eat because I knew I needed to, to keep me safe while doing an activity that needed fueling. And even without exercise, we need to eat to fuel ourselves throughout the day.

Intuitive eating returns

By late Sunday night, I returned home, and at 9:30 PM, after consuming more complete meals and smaller snacks than I can even recall, I was starving! So what’s a girl to do? I ordered Chinese food—the sodium-rich cuisine was just what I felt like— and I enjoyed every bit. This was intuitive! Yet had I, like so many of you, been stuck with the misinformation that eating after a certain hour was bad, or that I had already eaten my umpteenth meal and shouldn’t be hungry, I would have failed to meet my body’s needs.

My husband, who also rode, was also quite intrigued by the regulation of his food intake. He asked me how much I thought we had each consumed and I did a very rough estimate of our intake—trying very hard to remember all we had eaten. Then he asked how much I thought we had burned. So I did some equally estimated calculations for our expenditure.

And what did I find? Each of us had consumed within 10-15 calories of our estimated need! It was astounding! This combination of eating at regular intervals—just because I knew I should—together with eating whenever I got hungry worked like a dream. Our high activity is really beside the point. The key thing is that you burn calories 24/7—and certainly more if you are moving or exercising. And it’s critical to both respect your hunger when it is present, and use your sensibility (or the wisdom of a professional who’s working to keep you on target)—because anxiety, exercise, distraction, fluids, fiber and volume of food can stand in your way from eating enough.

Other lessons from the ride

Anticipatory anxiety

Yes, it's raining!

I hate the thought of biking in the rain. It scares me. They threatened precipitation for Saturday, but that did little to reduce my fear of having to ride in bad weather. About 45 minutes before we started pedaling, the rain started. Steady rain. The ride was not called off. The teams were called, one by one, to head out to the road. And so I did. 


Yes, my eyes were stinging from my hair gel dripping into them, and I was getting covered with grit and spray from the bike in front of me, but you know what? The reality was much better than my fears. Would I choose to ride in pouring rain? No! But having had to do it, truth is, it’s really not too bad. I survived, as did everyone of the 2000 or so riders that rode. And after a couple of hours, the sun came out, and I dried off. And by the end of the 156 miles, I was so thrilled I didn’t allow my anxiety to stop me from achieving my goal. See where I’m going with this?

Sometimes the solution is right in front of you!

Ok, this brilliance I’ll share—just don’t think any less of me, please!

At the finish, not yet hungry, but quite tired!

I had a headache all Saturday morning, a painful, aching headache. I didn’t get it—I was drinking plenty and eating regularly, so go figure. Then lunchtime came, and I pulled off my bike gloves, and my helmet and ate. And the headache disappeared. Yet when I returned to the road, the pain returned.  Thoughts of stroke and aneurysm crossed my mind—really! But by the next rest stop I figured it out.

The indentation on my forehead told me that I had mindlessly secured the darn helmet way too tight!  Yes, sometime the solutions are really right in front of you. And sometimes, your symptoms have nothing to do with how much you had eaten! (Just being honest!)

Yes, that’s what I learned from my ride last weekend. Thoughts? Comments? I’d love to hear what you’re thinking (unless, of course, you respond to my inability to appropriately fasten a bike helmet!)

Following a Vegan Diet. And, a Gluten Free Diet. And, and, and…

Couldn't Resist This Photo Op In Switzerland!

It’s time for some praise for doctors. Surprised? I know you are used to my airing my complaints here, for inappropriate, unconstructive assumptions some doctors make. And, for their misinformation not infrequently conveyed to patients, when it comes to diet and disease management. Just last week, a patient with type 2 diabetes shared her experience about her follow up MD visit. Jane has been eating well, resulting in a significant and appropriate weight loss. She’s moving more, and watching her carbohydrate intake, improving her post meal blood sugars. But given that her morning numbers remained quite high, in spite of her fabulous lifestyle changes, I encouraged her to address this with her doctor, hoping for a shake up in her diabetes medications.

Can you guess what he told her? 

You guessed it. Just lose weight. Yes, he wanted her to continue to stay with sugars almost 100 points too high, potentially causing damage to her blood vessels and her organs. Perhaps continued weight change will improve her sugars—but that takes time, and with the 50 or so pounds she has already lost, the numbers haven’t changed significantly. But it’s easier to pin the responsibility on the patient to change.

Oops! I was planning on praising a doctor today!

The wisdom of Dr. Mars

His patient was not an obvious referral for nutrition counseling. She did not present with any complaints about her health, and her rudimentary labs did not flag any concerns of disease in the works—normal cholesterol, blood sugar, thyroid, to name few. Other, more detailed nutrient assessment is pending. Her blood pressure is fine, low in fact, with that “healthy runner’s pulse”. And her weight? It had dropped from her usual place many years ago, from the normal range, when she had been diagnosed with cancer, now in remission; but it had increased somewhat since then.

“What brings you here?” I asked, as it was not so clear, at first glance. “Dr. Mars suggested I get in to see you”, she replied.  “His concerns?” I continued. “He’d like you to assess my diet and be sure it’s adequate.” Fair enough, I thought.

At least she's left with these--if they're uncooked!

And here’s what I heard. Di moved from a vegetarian diet to a vegan diet some years ago, presumably to be healthier. She then cut out soy products because of inconclusive evidence of a link between soy and some cancer. Only she did not have the type of cancer that might have even been impacted by soy. She then decided that she should cut out gluten, because she thought she might be allergic. She didn’t notice any change, but had heard (from reliable sources, no doubt) that it helps. So she stuck with it. Rumor had it (Hollywood tabloids, perhaps?) that the raw food diet was a means to extend life and stay fit, so she tacked on those rules too. 

I’m not sure I could have created such a patient from my imagination. The only thing she hadn’t reportedly restricted was fats. But judging by her food selection her intake of fat was quite low, unhealthily low. Oh, how wise of Dr. Mars to send her my way!

My confession

We do the craziest things for our cause.

I get it, at least to some extent. If you’ve been handed a diagnosis for which there is no cure, or one which can easily take your life, you feel quite vulnerable. So anything you can do to potentially help your situation makes perfect sense. And so early in my diagnosis with Multiple Sclerosis I embarked on my own gluten free adventure. Armed with anecdotes spread across the Internet, I was determined to take charge of my condition in any way I could. I knew that the science was sketchy, at best, in its infancy in fact. Much had been written about other auto-immune conditions and the benefits of a gluten free diet, but little to no research existed for MS. I had my MD check my labs, which revealed some abnormal levels—so maybe there was a link, I thought. Celiac experts (those that address the autoimmune disease truly caused by consuming gluten) dismissed these labs as inconclusive, but I was determined.

Three months of strict adherence to a gluten-free diet cured my MS!

Don’t I wish! Rather, meticulously following a gluten-free diet was a constant reminder that I lived with this medical condition; kind of like following a meal plan with an eating disorder. But if it worked, I would follow it forever. Only it didn’t work. Sure, I felt I was taking charge, doing my part to control my disease. But in those three months I had more new lesions on my brain and spinal column than perhaps at any other time in my 9 years with MS.

There’s a point you have to ask yourself “Is this strategy working for me?” Is it really meeting the need I intended it to meet?

 Gluten-free failed. But fundraising and riding with my team of friends and
family (almost half of whom are MDs) has helped me enormously.

Did Di’s strategy improve her health with her myriad of diets rules? Hardly! She now had irregular periods (potentially due to a low percent body fat), and she likely will be experiencing muscle wasting, as her total calories and total protein are insufficient for her need. Osteoporosis or osteopenia , its precursor, is inevitable, with her low calcium intake and vitamin D, and with her questionable estrogen levels, given erratic periods. I could go on listing the pitfalls of her diet, but I think you get the point.

Focusing on her food rules may very well work for Di—on some level. But if she allows herself to be honest, she’ll realize that this is not a healthy diet at all.

And you?

Is it time to reexamine your own patterns of eating or food rules? Are your eating behaviors really working for you? And is it in your hands to change?

I’d love to hear from you.

Thanks for reading and for giving me your invaluable feedback!

Powerless?

I’m typing this from my office computer, where I still retain power after Hurricane Irene.

But last night I dreamed that I lost the power to speak. I could hear and listen, I could see, ‘though I have no knowledge of taste (as I didn’t eat anything during this brief period). I was in unidentifiable, unfamiliar surroundings, but somehow did not feel uneasy. Even experiencing this loss felt familiar, like when I temporarily lost sensation in my left arm, due to MS, and was unable to dress myself. Powerless.

In the morning, the windows were open, and I felt the cool, dry air across my skin. I saw the beam of dust particles shimmering in the morning sunlight. And I heard my voice as I said goodbye to my husband, as he departed for work. Ahhh, all was well—my body was fully functioning.

The electric and telephone, however, remained non-functional. But all was not lost. I could drive to work, and get in touch with the world from there.

Even in the absence of modern life’s distractions—cut off from the Twitter tweets, the endless email, and the more pleasant indulgences of good music and movies, I had had to simply be. I had to give serious thought about what to grab from the fridge (I needed to act quickly to prevent the cold air from exiting). And I needed to sit and eat mindfully, by daylight or by candle.

My mind was freed for creative thought. Yes, 3 posts were written (by hand, I’ll add) yesterday.

Don’t get me wrong. Losing power has its downsides. I was hoping to bake those rugelach (http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/2010/12/minding-your-eating-managing-your.html) to send to my son, but couldn’t without a working oven. And when the hot water that remained in the water tank was all gone, I wouldn’t be rejoicing in the cold shower. And for some, the consequences, no doubt were more dire.

But sometimes these little reminders are so valuable to remind us of what power we really do have. My body still functioned, even though the electric was dead. My brain filled the void, when it had free reign to create. There was much I could do, and enjoy, in spite of the temporary loss of power. And just doing nothing, an option I never consider, was now possible; imagine giving yourself permission to do absolutely nothing!

Some things are out of our hands, like the electrical service into my home. But sometimes we simply need to take charge of our situation—to find creative solutions, to appreciate what we do have that works, and to shift perspective.

And, we need to appreciate that we always have the power to speak and advocate for ourselves.

No, we’re not powerless at all.

Hope or Despair? Only You Can Decide. But I Chose Hope.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us…” 

Charles Dickens

Taken after surviving my 9th annual 150+ mile bike ride for MS

I barely understood A Tale of Two Cities when I read it as a young teen. Yet somewhere in my memory the very first sentence has stuck.

Ten years ago I experienced 2 years of Hell. The list of craziness included, but I can assure you was not limited to, the following:

My father was diagnosed with lung cancer. He was a non-smoker with no environmental or genetic risk factors that we know of. He died 14 months later, at the age of 68.

My dog died the day after my dad’s funeral.

I experienced double vision leading to a diagnosis of MS 4 months after this symptom.

My husband lost his job and was unemployed for the better part of a year.

I hired a part time secretary who sued me after 6 weeks for a reported slip and fall; suing was apparently her second career.

Does it get more fabulous than this? Provence!

My then 13-year-old son went in for routine elective adenoid surgery, under general anesthesia. He was supposed to wake up after 40 minutes. Seven hours later after being hooked up to a breathing machine he awoke. We learned he had a rare enzyme deficiency preventing the breakdown of the anesthetic.

There is more, really, but I’ll stop here.

Recently, a patient of mine, having heard this list, asked me how I managed during that time. I thought it a strange question at first, especially as her life, to me, seems to include more trauma than any one person can be dealt, and she has done exceptionally well in her recovery from anorexia and bulimia, the very conditions that in many ways helped numb her pain.

The answer is that I feel rather grateful, perhaps because I have chosen to identify all the ways I have been fortunate. Yes, I have MS, but I function better than anyone might imagine, given this condition. The unemployment? I was fortunate that I could increase my hours and grow my business, so we were not in financial distress. And my kids enjoyed having my husband around after school then. My dog of 16 years lived a long, good life.  My father didn’t suffer long. 


And the blessing in disguise was with learning of my son’s pseudocholinesterase deficiency. This enzyme has only a couple of functions—to break down this anesthetic and to break down cocaine. In other words, had my son of middle school age decided to experiment at some time in his life with, let’s say, cocaine (not a terribly crazy concept), we learned he would have died of cardiac arrest. So 7 hours on a breathing machine resulted in the advance warning that perhaps saved a life—if he had ever chosen to try cocaine and we had not chosen to have this elected procedure. Yes, I was rejoicing.

Chagall painting, ceiling of the Paris opera

I doubt that I’d be able to find the strength to survive the trauma of the 3-limbed amputee, mentioned in my recent post. And I certainly don’t share my history for the sake of getting empathy or pity. Truth is, many of you have survived worse situations. 

But perhaps you’ve done so using your old friend—food, or eating disorder behaviors. And I must confess—those do work—but only temporarily. Eating large quantities of food can make you feel drugged, detached, numb. It can allow you to feel that you’re in charge—that you can eat—and do—whatever you choose. Except that then you’re left feeling awful. You can be healthy and still eat whatever you like to eat (don’t you believe that by now after 90 or so blog posts?). You just can’t eat without tuning in to your body and its need, your hunger.

Alternatively, you can surely restrict your food intake, or get rid of your food, can’t you? Don’t get me wrong—I’m not recommending this, of course! But when things get tough it can be very appealing to stop feeling, to lose the sensations of hunger and of emotions. It’s like disappearing, right?

But there’s a price you pay for coping this way. You miss out on life, on relationships, on connections with people. You place yourself at risk. You cause yourself harm physically, emotionally, psychologically. You stay stuck in an unhappy cycle. You put your life on hold. Helpful, perhaps, but just for a moment.

This is what I found after a long day at the office!

Life isn’t always easy—I’ll be the first to agree. But perhaps you can shift your perspective? Or maybe utilize other coping skills besides the old standbys.

Linda related the following after her MD visit last week:

So it has apparently been 5 years since my last physical with Dr. D. I spent the morning with unwanted anxiety for whatever reason (I just hate going to the doctor!).  I was swept in from the waiting room and within a flash moment I found myself standing on the scale.  Surprisingly, when I saw the nurse begin moving that thingy more and more to the right, I instinctively looked away (go Linda!)

All was well, right?

Nurse Sandy then takes me into the little room and proceeds with the usual routine questions.  She told me how much better I seem, that we all go through "phases"... uh, phases?  And then, with utmost enthusiasm, proclaims loudly "WOW, your weight is the HIGHEST I've ever seen it!!!!"

What. the. hell.

I never intended on going in discussing any weight issues, I even looked away on the scale.  This was a physical, damn it.

So, Dr. D asked me about my weight and has it been stable.  Yup, I told her.  Then I mustered all the courage I had in me to tell her what Nurse Sandy said.  Her response?  Laughter.  Yes, LAUGHTER!

This was not supposed to be funny.  I do not see the humor in this.

Instead of faxing the blood pressures and weight, she wrote it down and handed it to me (so much for the strength of NOT LOOKING AT THE NUMBERS WHILE ON THE SCALE!).  Can doctors and nurses be THAT OBLIVIOUS???

I wish I could undo the damage from all the thoughtless comments you hear.

While I can’t, believe it or not, you can. You could choose to accept the distortion your mind bends it into, or you can fight. Yes, you can counter those thoughts with some healthier reality checks, about what your healthy eating and behaviors are getting you.

This can be a season of hope, or of despair; you can appreciate that you survived another season intact, and are now that much stronger to move forward. Really, only you can decide.